Parents have the difficult job of staying attuned to the young person, but also managing what they know about the perils of growing up. What is realistic to expect from the young person? What should I reveal about myself? How much does the young person know about the other parent’s issues? Where do I draw the line with behavior? What are realistic bottom lines, and how should I proceed with taking away privileges or imposing restrictions?

We have all heard it: there is no manual for being a parent. But how do we resolve these seemingly impossible difficulties and keep it together in our own personal lives? Usually the pressure parents feel is about having to have answers or to know how to handle things the “right” way. There is a pull to have it all together, to swiftly resolve problems without conflicts, or rule with an iron hand- my way or the highway. The problem with formulaic thinking is that there is no one size fits all parenting that handles each and every circumstance we encounter. Parents paint themselves into a corner with unrealistic pressure to resolve conflicts and make problems go away quickly.

When the younger child constantly invades the older siblings space and messes with their stuff, this is classic behavior, a template for resolving life problems, and an opportunity for parents and young people to practice handling impossible situations effectively. Instead of coming from the position “I’m the adult and you should listen to me”, it works better to come from a place of possibility, a place to discover what will work and what does not work in relationships.

At the risk of sounding formulaic, it is valuable to look at the consequences and outcomes along side, allowing them to think through things without doing the thinking for them. Just because you know the answer does not mean the young person will come to a similar conclusion. Our fast paced lives push us to quickly get to the results of everything. But we miss the process, the part where everyone learns. Slow down, and let the young person absorb and investigate things with you. Taking out adversarial tension allows thinking to occur, not just reacting or reading what others want. We want our youth to think, but we train them to be magical puppets that respond to what we expect, and not what the situation requires.

Good judgement and critical thinking takes practice, however, opportunities to practice thinking get squelched in service of getting our day done: getting to school, going to practice, making appointments, making money, going to the store, getting homework done, etc. There remains little time for just being. Being together, being alone, being tired, being scared, being excited, being anxious. Just being.

We say that anxiety is always future based. It is worrying about something that has yet to happen, but we are trying to solve it in the present. This is impossible, but we go on and on about it, increasing tension and worry.

Parents forget to share their experiences of being human: their emotions, thoughts, fears, joys. Of course, what you discuss should be age appropriate, but sharing about your day, what you dealt with, and how you resolved problems lets them see they don’t have to have everything handled. It’s ok not to know something, and it’s also ok to ask for help. But it’s up to the parent to cultivate the space for this to happen.

This gives your young person a window into how to think, and how to communicate about unknowns in their life. They see that you are human, that you don’t have it all handled, that you get ruffled, but can bounce back from troubles. This is not an opportunity to justify complaints about people, but an opportunity to be vulnerable and demonstrate the spirit of being interested in life, of being open to life.

You may not have all the answers, but you are cultivating the space to find what works. Parents who practice this art of being are well on their way to having a lifelong relationship with their children full of surprises and satisfaction. Remember: “Nothing is handled. Being willing to not know how things will turn out and still function at a high level is called mastery.”

The practice of TM is the most widely studied meditation technique, with over 300 peer-reviewed studies. The practice of TM, which consists of sitting quietly for 20 minutes, twice per day, is beneficial for practitioners in a multitude of areas: improved sense of well-being, better sleep, reduction of anxiety and depression, lowering blood pressure, more resilient immune system, improved concentration, more energy, and a general sense of happiness and connectedness with the world. More can be learned from the web site:    http://www.doctorsontm.org

We are excited to host this study and look forward to working with those interested in it. This study is funded by the David Lynch Foundation.

http://www.davidlynchfoundation.org

Also, visit: http://www.tm-carolinas.org/military/steering.html to learn more about the study.

What kind of therapy works? The first and best approach lies in recognizing that a direct line of questioning will usually cause a tremendous amount of resistance, and that talking about the abuse takes place much later in the therapeutic process.  The adage, “what you resist persists” is in play here, and the therapist must recognize the danger in “processing” with the patient. Instead, the helping professional must begin to work with psychological resistance through acknowledging “the elephant in the room” without at first trying to unveil the elephant. Noticing with the patient the impact to them that their strategies have caused is the first line of intervention. For instance, when the adolescent says, “I don’t know,” this often means, “I do know, but I’m not going to talk about it with you.”  Depending on the person’s resiliency, the therapist can begin to navigate the resistance and notice with the patient this recurring way of thinking, how it keeps them re-creating the problem and how they can begin to move out of old behaviors to learn new ones.  If you or someone you know is interested in scheduling a Sexualized Adolescent Risk assessment, please contact our office at 336-389-1413 for more information.

So what is the way out?  The first step is recognizing that one’s best thinking has gotten you where you are today, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Thinking that we can handle it on our own is over-rated, and will likely keep us going in the same direction. A  closed system only supports what has happened up to now, and will continue until some new way of approaching addiction emerges. It will take giving up being right and letting go of making others wrong. This usually doesn’t happen until people run out of options.  Being bankrupt, or in jail, or losing one’s family, job or career can get our attention, but it doesn’t have to get this bad to make some changes.

Trauma, like depression attempts to solve problems by ruminating over solutions to future problems that have yet to occur, or that we think might occur again. When we become trapped by this way of thinking, the past seems fast on our heels while the future occurs like something to avoid. To work with this stuck way of thinking, we look at what we can and cannot control, addressing what we can and leaving the rest alone. Disrupting the momentum of this faulty thinking requires letting go of fixed ways of being. It also requires us to manage the things that are manageable, and distinguish the things that are unmanageable, leaving them alone.

Getting support and coaching from a counselor and medical staff is important to disrupt unhealthy patterns of thinking and to begin to work with what is within one’s control.

Methadone was created by the Nazis to keep workers chained.  Talk to anyone who has escaped from a Methadone clinic and they will tell you the truth about the costs of this “treatment”, physically, financially, spiritually and emotionally. The good news is that if you are taking 40 mgs. of Methadone or less, you can safely switch over to Suboxone.  Call our offices today at 336-389-1413  to schedule an appointment to get expert counseling and medical supervision to get your life on track.

Another way to describe this is that the self is like a corportation with 10,000 employees. But when you go around and interview all the employees, you find they all have specific functions, but none would assert they were in charge of the whole operation. Much in the same way, the self has many voices, some louder and more in use than others.  Conversations are fluid, but when our notion of the self becomes rigid and fixed, we eventually have problems.  So, the work of managing the existence of YOU actually has the ability to access other ways of being that a set and fixed way of being cannot access. 

Confusion occurs when we don’t know what we are actually commited to having happen.