Mar
23
Developing Harmony in Relationships
Clients with relationship difficulties often complain about their partner: “he doesn’t listen to me, ” or, “he should know how I feel without me telling him”, or, “she just talks all the time and doesn’t let me explain myself”, or, ”why should I ask, she’ll just say no.” When communication devolves into complaining, the relationship is suffering.
In America, we are taught as consumers to complain. This is an important skill if you want to get your money back at Target, but it doesn’t bode well for relationships. Mostly, we just want to avoid people who complain.
What to do? Instead of complaining, I encourage people to capture their partner’s attention by first establishing with them what works in the relationship. Authentically notice what you love about them, and what you appreciate. Tell them what excites you about them, inspires and moves you about them.
Next, clearly state the facts about what does not work in communicating with them, and be responsible for what you do to keep the difficulties going. The Chinese proverb “Do not swat a fly on a friend’s head with a hatchet” applies here. As compassionately as possible, relay your experience of them. .For this to work, you have to take responsibility for the conversation turning out. This isn’t an opportunity to disguise your complaints in a pretty package to get them to change-you have to make sure the conversation turns out by taking care of them.
Lastly, make a request. Ask for how you would like things to go, and what you will do to make it happen. A pitfall of this communication is disguising your complaints in the form of a request. When you ask, really ask. And say what you would like them to do as opposed to telling them what they are not doing.
If they agree to your request, you can also promise how you will respond in kind. If they say no, listen to what they are committed to in their speaking. Are they afraid they will be ignored? Avoided? Find out and talk about it. Someone once told me “bad communication is better than no communication.” To feel related to you, the other person has to experience the freedom to tell you their thoughts and feelings without feeling defensive and afraid you will retaliate.
There are plenty of opportunities to make good our intentions, and communication is the pathway to relatedness, affinity, great sex and true intimacy.